I was supposed to entitle this "'Life is never fair' strikes again" but I remember someone telling me earlier that we should never say never. If you actually think about it, it is in this never-ness of life to be fair that life actually becomes fair. Fairness is subjective to each and everyone. But this is exactly what fairness means objectively--to never be fair to everyone. Reflect on this and you'll see how this is ironic but true. Or at least that's how I see it.
So how exactly is my life fairing right now?
Devastating, I must say. I got this F-ing F in my Marketing WAC after my effort of cramming and writing that five-page paper in less than 1.5 hours. Imagine also having to read the lengthy company report and trying to comprehend everything that had been said in less than 10 minutes. I might seem to be exaggerating things but this is how time felt at that time (and I'm most likely accurate on this).
Yes. My effort went straight down the drain since my paper was received late by my professor. Y!mail was such a bitch that I had attachment and sending problems for that paper so it was sent, I guess, beyond the deadliest deadline. My prof wasn't considerate and I know he has all the reason not to be. He gave me an F. Begging didn't do any good and he just told me to learn from this experience. Fine. Then here comes some people you'd want to hear sympathy from but instead laugh at your despicable mistake in the efforts of making you laugh as well. Great.
I'm not going to hide it. I was furious about what had happened. All my efforts disappeared in a span of seconds and my prof didn't reconsider. And that emotion turned into tears. I know I said "crying must not exist in college" in one of my blogs but these tears just made things better for me. Words from friends made me smile a bit. The annoying laughs actually made me laugh a bit. And this quote also lightened the mood a bit:
Sometimes, beauty is in the attempt. We took a shot. We gave it everything we could. We did it well. It just didn't work out. And when that happens, you've got two options: you can sit in a public park and drink cheap beer or you can celebrate the attempt. -One Tree Hill
So why does it have to happen when I'm all stressed out? Why does it have to happen at this point in time? Why does it have to happen to me? I know all these questions are too cliche and dejavu-ish; so yes, I know I should have learned from them way back when I experienced them first. Hence, here comes my guilt and conscience knocking at my door. "It's your fault." I KNOW! This makes me feel all the more terrible because I know that I should've changed but I'm also aware that I'm not changing much. For many times I've tried to resolve my personal problems and yet I haven't gained mastery and control over myself.
I'm hating myself. I'm hating myself and the way I'm becoming!
So from now on, I should be hard on myself. You out there should stop telling me to take things easily. Some things, after all, must not be taken easily. I, too, have goals in life, may they be too superficial. I dwell in accomplishments. I fear failure--though I know failures must be embraced and be avenues for learning once they happen. I know this despite me still hating failures and even if my semester so far could actually be described as a series of failures.
STAND UP, Weanne.
I must be hard on myself. I will remain spontaneous and fun but I must be aware of my actions and their consequences. I must care more about what I do. And I must know the parameters of everything that must be done (e.g. the actual time of deadline for a WAC).
SIGH. I want to take the first option in the quote I mentioned.
I want to pig out. I want to drink. I want to get drunk.
Labels: failure
♥ posted by Weanne at
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